this is the comment my teacher left on this postNice work here
in terms of covering the various requirements with a well-suited
example. An area I’d like you to focus on is being both clear and
concise (sometimes, your wording is a little … wordy).YOU: This
implied I could develop myself quicker than my companions and this was
on the grounds that I had a consistent compensation while they didn’t. ME: I acted in a way that told my friends I would get further ahead in life because I was hired faster than they were. The
way you phrase it will likely be different from how I did, but notice
how 1. I maintain the same general intent as your first sentence, and 2.
Mine is much shorter and direct. That makes it easier for the reader to
get the point and move on, which is ideal.Right after we graduated from high school, my friends and I jumped into the job market in search of
employment that would enable us to sustain ourselves. This is one of the most difficult periods of my
life. I was a teenage parent of a one-year-old, and my mother had just died that year. But things were to
change soon. I was the first to land a full-time position. This implied I could develop myself quicker than
my companions and this was on the grounds that I had a consistent compensation while they didn’t.
Soon I began to be rude to them because I saw them as failures and poor mostly because they could not
be able to get the money I was getting.
One time one of them asked me “Can you please help me with some cash for my party?” I, however,
responded by saying that “I cannot give you money because you will not be able to pay back.” I was rude
considering that we had been friends all through my childhood and supported me after my mothers’
death. Fortunes however changed soon when I got laid off from my work due to company restructuring.
My friends, on the other hand, had been able to get good jobs that enabled them to earn even more
money than I had been earning. They, however, treated me with respect despite the problems I was
going through, and this made me ashamed of myself and my actions. I learned that it is always
important to remain humble and vowed to do the same even when I am better positioned than other
people.
Right after we graduated from high school, my friends and I jumped into the job market in search of
employment that would enable us to sustain ourselves. This is one of the most difficult periods of my
life. I was a teenage parent of a one-year-old, and my mother had just died that year. But things were to
change soon. I was the first to land a full-time position. This implied I could develop myself quicker than
my companions and this was on the grounds that I had a consistent compensation while they didn’t.
Soon I began to be rude to them because I saw them as failures and poor mostly because they could not
be able to get the money I was getting.
One time one of them asked me “Can you please help me with some cash for my party?” I, however,
responded by saying that “I cannot give you money because you will not be able to pay back.” I was rude
considering that we had been friends all through my childhood and supported me after my mothers’
death. Fortunes however changed soon when I got laid off from my work due to company restructuring.
My friends, on the other hand, had been able to get good jobs that enabled them to earn even more
money than I had been earning. They, however, treated me with respect despite the problems I was
going through, and this made me ashamed of myself and my actions. I learned that it is always
important to remain humble and vowed to do the same even when I am better positioned than other
people.
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